Friday, September 18, 2009

But... It's too hard!

Hard Work Pictures, Images and Photos

I think, in some far away misty place, I used to be lazy. It was only the two of us, me and my mother, and she never asked for much, and I suppose I didn't offer. My mother was the oddest, loveliest concoction of still and hurried. When still, we lived a muted life, no reason to move or do..breath lingered in between the spaces. When hurried, we ran around a lot, out of the house, out of town, out of our minds and away from chores or worry. I miss it. The pretty, quiet, nothing much.

Somehow, I got busy getting busy. I arrived in my own life and never sat down. There is always something to do, something to teach, something to write, someone to love. The nighttime is alive with musical beds and nightmares and clock watching. The days start in a skid and I know the trick, lean in, lean in.

And these words now, all these words I let loose and can't stop up, they pour out at all the wrong moments and take up time I never even knew was spare. And it's HARD! I pick through what I have and say "You did this? You took time away from that or them for this? You selfish woman."

"But it's HARD!" I tell myself. "Too hard! And.. and... I don't want tooooooooo."

But what would I rather do? Yoga? Meditation? Tennis? (Anyone? hee, hee)

No, none of that. I have to write. It somehow has become the best of me. The thing that makes the most sense, even if the book doesn't make any sense at this particular moment. Damn, I really wanted to pick it up and say..."Oh yes! Far more brilliant than that first one!" Not so. Hokey, trite, pandering, typo'd. The Horror. But wait.... What's that I hear? Get to what? Get to who? Oh. Get to work. (Not work as in those jobs that pay. Not work as in housework or parenting work or spouse love work....Revising work.)

"Re-enter the still," she whispers from a place behind my eyes. "Come back into the kitchen on a quiet winter morning and eat an English muffin. It's warm here. You don't have much to do. I don't ask much of you, and I simply love your words, so sit and write and don't worry. The world spins much to fast."

"Okay. I'm back. Just don't brush my hair."

"Don't worry, chicken," she tells me, "I won't brush your hair. It's too hard."

23 comments:

  1. I think you wrote about it far better than I did! :) It is hard work, but it must be done, right?

    ReplyDelete
  2. great post!

    write the story
    that you want to read...
    and believe in it with all your heart.

    it's all worth it.
    and you are gonna make something GREAT!

    peace~
    Chuck

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ohmygosh, you astound me with your words. And these are blog posts! Blog posts! If you are saving the best of your words for your book, then I don't care if you think it sounds hokey or trite or flawed. I want you to edit it and make it better and stop hogging it all for yourself. (It's very selfish!) I want to read it and I want other people to read it too and I want to be the loser that runs onstage while you're receiving one of many awards, yelling, "I KNOW HER! I knew her pre-fame! I KNOW HER!" I will gladly be escorted offstage after.
    I know her.
    I am so lucky.

    Thanks for another great post. Good luck editing!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lazy: BUT your post actually gave advice!

    Chuck: see, that is the problem....

    Sarah: I think the short spurts are better. And first person. Really. This book two of mine is..... interesting.(I am trying to be kind)

    BTW Ummmm, you made me cry. And, if I were ever so lucky to receive any kind of award for anything and you were there, I would rip you out of their hands and tell them "She was my muse!"

    ReplyDelete
  5. Follow your heart Suzanne. Your writing is powerful...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh to have your desire to write....just go with it, enjoy it and then give it to the universe to enjoy....am longing to read what you put out there.......:-) Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your posts are a dish to savor. I'd love to be in that kitchen too. Keep writing. It matters.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The world does spin at a rapid pace and it is hard to keep up. I totally understand this. I am sure that you will find time though. I am also sure that your novel is not hokey. Your a great writer. If anything the world needs more of you. Good luck! :o)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Inspiring post. I'm with Sarah. I want to read more of what you write. Beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lovely post,it puts into words exactly how my life is too- that juggling thing. Perhaps everyone of us is like that?
    I love your writing, and the fact that I can identify with it.
    You already have a book?

    ReplyDelete
  11. First of all - recipe Saturday. I miss it.
    Second of all - I miss you! When oh when can we get our families together???
    Thirdly - FANTASTIC POST!!! Really, Suzanne, I'm just loving everything you write lately. Kind of makes me sick a little :) Really, MUST you have it all??? Beautiful family, handsome husband who cooks and cleans, fantastic job, brilliant talent??? :)
    The last part of this post made me laugh because Katie and I fight about brushing her hair every morning - "Mommy, PLEEEEEEEEASE STOP HURTING ME!!!!!!!!!" As if I was BEATING her with the brush....... But I remember having the SAME fight with MY mother- must be a universal thing - moms, daughters, hair-brushing. Anyway - I know that wasn't the point of your post. Good luck with the revisions!!! KEEP WRITING!! It's fantastic!
    But if you ever want a break from fiction - I think you should post another recipe-story :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. We all have a release, an escape so to speak, and fortunately for others, yours is writing :o)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Another stunning post - pragmatic and poetic at the same time - I can't wait to read your books!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I love reading your posts. I just really do!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Yes! Momma knows. Momma always knows. Listen to her. This sings.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You echo my thoughts and feelings to a tee. But then again, I knew you would! Get to work.... Where--are--my--pages?? :D

    ReplyDelete
  17. What can I say that hasn't already been said here?

    Not a thing.

    Selfish, we are...perhaps. But would it be worse or better than offering them a half shelled, unsatisfied mother? It takes our time, but it makes us more complete.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I love the way you write about the stillness and rushing in life. So true. My mornings start with a skid and the evenings often end the same. No clocking out of life really is there. Well, not if you want to wake up and do it all again. And I do. I really do. There is so much more ahead. :)
    Keep writing these posts girl. I need the inspiration for ma daily writing! And all the best with the revisions. Mine are going along nicely. just reached the half way point. I can see the light. I can see the light! Hope it is not a god damn train...

    ReplyDelete
  19. Great post! And I loved Chuck's comment too.

    ReplyDelete
  20. wonderful post! You express yourself so beautifully. My book doesn't make any sense right now either, but the words keep coming out in spite of this. And my hair's a mess and I want an English muffin!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Work totally gets in the way of writing! It's sooo annoying.

    Hair brushing is overrated. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I love the truth to this...so great. write it all down, you must.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I can't wait to see your novel in print! ^^ You're gonna be famous.

    ReplyDelete