Saturday, September 26, 2009

Taking a walk with Grace

I had a dream last night. A dark dream. Mostly I take issue with the term dream being used for those curious night adventures. A dream should only be used in the purest sense. A hearts desire, a wish. Sleep dreaming, for me at least, has never involved niceties or reverie. My dreams are harsh, technicolor, wandering things. The stringing together of insecurity and anxiety like spit strands after you throw up. Intricate and complex they always set inside my mind an uneasiness that can last for days.

I don't dream of falling. (how is that a dream?)
I don't dream of flying. (but I wish I could, because that seems dreamy!)
I don't dream of sex. (No laughing. I just don't. Freud would have been bored. Ah me...)
I don't dream of running in a field of flowers. (Do only dogs dream those kinds of dreams?)

I dream of driving out of control cars.
I dream of someone telling me one of my children is gone. (lost, dead, etc...)
I dream of irreparable arguments with my husband.
I dream of angels who sit by my bed and unfurl their VERY bird like wings and show me their teeth and talons too.
I dream of burning.
I dream I am lost.

And then last night, I dreamt I took a walk with my littlest girl, Grace.

It was a very long dream. We were walking in my city here at night. We were by the hospitals, not a good place to be. A lot of terrible things happen in that general area. I've always thought it fortunate that doctors were close by.

Anyway, she wouldn't hold my hand, that naughty girl. She was trying to turn her shirt around, her arms lost amidst flapping empty sleeves.

It was getting later and I knew we needed to turn around, that staying on the busy street was important (safety in numbers) and I'd somehow overshot our destination (whatever that was).

But even as my sleeping mind SCREAMED at my dreaming self "Don't go down that side street, don't....just back track on the busy road. Okay?) My dreaming self walked down the side street with her toddler close and the silence was so loud. Terrible things were going to happen. It was gray and damp.

And then, as long as it took to dream myself lost, it only took a moment to wake up.

And even though I was relieved, I am left wondering. What was going to happen? Could it have been the good dream I've been waiting for? Was there something bright and golden around the corner? Why couldn't Gracie find her arms?

I'll never know....

What about you? Any (g and pg only please!) sleep dreams you want to share? Any you don't understand?


  1. This post feels like that dream-state.

    I have consistent and constant nightmares. Many of those same things you mentioned, I dream of too. I get lost, crash, run from unknown dangers, hide with my children, lose my children, and any other assortment of things. (Keeping to the rating here.)
    Someone once told me that it was a sign of a creative mind that dreams in technicolor like that. I have to hope it's a compliment and not an indication of the need for an asylum.

  2. I often dream of being in narrow alleys with abandoned buildings. In my dreams, I find myself wanting to get to know about the buildings, although I realize I'm in an unfamiliar place and that maybe I shouldn't be there. I've learned, over the course of my life, that I should search for my feelings about the dream, and use that as a springboard from which to interpret the true meaning. Because I'm not necessarily afraid in these dreams of narrow alleys, but just slightly anxious and curious, I interpret the dreams to mean that I am trying to find my way through areas of thought I have never explored, and also true life experiences I have not ventured.

  3. There is nothing ordinary about your blog. You are capturing moments of clarity, or clarifying moments of misty mellowness.

  4. Grace is right there beside you to protect and guide you, but "she" can't grab you; you have to grab her? :)

  5. Wow. And while you were dreaming of deep, philosophical things, I was dreaming that I won a shopping trip with Julia Roberts. I know, right?? So 90s.

    One dream I've had a lot since I was a child is one where I am continually falling. Lately, stuff is starting to happen after the fall. Like, the other day, I fell and broke my leg. Which, in dream-world, is totally inconsequential, because everybody knows you don't need legs to run. Especially not when you're being chased by wild, mutant animals.

    If I tell you again that the way you write makes me want to shut up and just read your words all day long, will you stop taking me seriously? Because I say it all the time, but it hasn't stopped being true.

  6. I have had few dreams that I remember, but the last one was frightening, all my teeth fell out the blood was all over my hands and blouse as I was crying and looking for someone but I don't know who. When I woke up, it took a very long time to calm myself and feel safe again but the dream is so real even today.....weird eh!
    I did have a dream once of flying an airplane and steering with my bare feet, I remember being happy and was having fun....if I have to dream this is the kind I want......:-) Hugs

  7. I once had a dream that I saw myself in a casket and my hair was in these really messed up braids. Really weird. Nowadays, I don't dream as much as I think I used to and when I do they usually are a sign from God.

  8. I have more disturbing dreams than entertaining, fun, or good ones. It didn't always used to be like this.

  9. I had a dream once that a cougar was in my back yard and my kids were playing outside. I had to figure out how to get them back inside without letting the cougar notice them. It was scary. I looked for cougars in my back yard for a couple of months after that, it scared me so bad.

  10. There are dream dictionaries online that are free you could consult about the missing arms, but really only you know the answer because it's your dream and your subconscious. I love dreams because they are so revealing in subtle ways. I especially love the dreams that are stories. But an angel with teeth would probably scare me sleepless.

  11. Beautiful dream trance, Suzanne. Stunning to read.
    One of my favorite dreams happened when I was going through real-life scary stuff. I dreamed I was chased by a monster-like man through dark side streets. As in chase dreams, this went on forever in heart-pounding terror. I finally turned and he caught up with me. I started to scream, and then, as though a calm me took over, I turned the scream into a song--an opera aria, to be exact. At that point I woke up and was simply open-mouthed with wonder.

  12. I often dream of things chasing me. Lions, bears... actually it has only ever been lions or bears. The other dream I have all the time is the one where I am in a canoe in a wide open lake trying to get to the other side. They are my PG rated dreams. They go very quickly down hill after the canoe type dreams. Most are very violent. Freud would have a field day with me. I could have helped him write another defining work on the brain!

  13. I often dream of flying. It is a very odd sensation, but seems as real as real. Thnx for dropping by my site. and thnx for letting me visit yours.

  14. I don't dream anymore. Well, I'm sure I do, but I can't remember them. I used to dream of running through an airport, chasing someone with a briefcase. I also used to dream of being chased. You know, like Jason Bourne. ;) I think I exhaust myself so thoroughly now, that I can't remember. Or something.

  15. I believe that what we remember from our nocturnal transmissions (for lack of a better word) are our insecurities and anxieties, played out safely in our sleep. She didn't have arms? She requires protection. Your fear of continuing to go down a dark sleep? Your concern that you cannot protect her. Anxiety over what lies ahead.

    I think dreams are ways of entertaining these ideas somewhere safe. Only you truly know what these dreams mean, but what the heck. I took a shot. :-)


    p.s. I dream of driving an out-of-control car myself. No fun.