Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Mother Crush

It isn't fake. It isn't shy or timid. It is heavy and sweet and pure. I have a crush on my children. They move around me, gravitating to my side and there’s a lightness to the tether between us that isn't like what I remember.

The oldest is full of words. Full of words bursting out of perfect lips and sea green eyes and peach fuzz ears. Her words are true and she is strong. She is everything good I never was. Beautiful and vain, she dances on the ocean now and loves wisely. I am better for knowing her.

The middle girl is full of joy and exploration. A follower of rules and loyal too. Her father's girl. She’s careful with her love. She’s quiet when quiet is necessary. She’s a good friend and natural nurturer. Recently she lost two teeth. She danced away from me in IKEA... she was spinning up ahead, perhaps ten feet away and yet a world gone. She will be the one to dance away from me someday. I don't remember when she left the sling. It seems so strange to see her now, my dark changeling, dancing ahead of me with two teeth gone and a world of opportunity ahead of her. It’s so hard to let them go... especially when we provide the platform for their flight.

And then there’s the baby. Mostly made of me, but with her father's eyes. Tyrannical and abusive, she makes us laugh. I don't miss her yet. She’s still too little to miss. Like an arm or a leg she extends out from me and we breathe in tandem. I don't have to wonder where she is. Not like with the other two. I fully understand that they are mine, but where did the little versions go?

In the corner of my eye I can see them. The oldest is still running in Wooster Square with cherry blossoms in her hair and she is demanding, at three years old, that I call her Feline, which is not her name. Where is she? She is hiding, she must be hiding from me.

And the middle girl...she walked early and talked late. I was in Jamaica when she took her first steps. And then she wouldn't stop running. But when she was tired, her little body would find mine and curve into me and her babiness was a solid thing. Or so I thought. It turns out that her littleness is as fleeting as the rest. Where is she? I lost her on the playground. One moment she was struggling to climb up the slide the wrong way, the next she is triumphant on top and her legs are so long, and she's left her toddler self behind.

And this is why it's more than love. This is why it is a crush. The crush of loss and gain and win and lose. The crush of missing them at the same time as yearning to see their lives unfold. This is how it is supposed to be. They end up the guardians of their smaller selves, and if we’re lucky, they might let us visit with them once in a while, late at night, when it’s important for a big girl to feel like she can be a little girl again.

My girls. Not one of them is a genius or prodigy. There is no ballerina, no concert pianist, no early reader. But they are good girls, kind to one another and kind to me. And the amazing part is that I get to borrow them from the world for a little while, these princesses of Morris Cove. What a lucky world it is, to have such fine young women in it.

*Repost. I will Repost it every year.... this one is for them. XO S*

21 comments:

  1. Such beautiful, beautiful writing. I love how you write - wonderful post. :-)

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  2. A most lovely way to start my day--with your words, your daughters, your crush of love. Thank you.

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  3. Oh my gosh Suzy. That was wonderful! What lucky girls. Happy Mother's Day! =)

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  4. Oh my goodness, you take my breath away, how you write about your girls is how I feel about my girls and boy- the universe has loaned them to us, and we nurture them, love them, and know that we have to let them fly away!
    You're a wonderful writer, Suzanne, thanks for sharing it with us.

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  5. This is a thing of beauty, Suzy. Happy Mother's Day!

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  6. This is one of the most beautiful things I've read. Ever. The mother in me nods. Understands. Applauds you.

    Happy Mother's Day.

    Oh, and I almost forgot! I left an award for you on my blog today :))

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  7. I'm glad you'll repost and respost and repost. This is my most favorite of yours...stunning, grabbing; really, it swallowed me. If she were in the house right now I'd have to go stare at my girl...just because of the rightness of your words.

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  8. Oh, I feel just as lovesick as you do.

    I agree, a "crush" is the perfect word.

    Happy Mother's Day to you!

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  9. A perfect post for mother's day... One doesn't need to be a mother to appreciate the sentiment expressed here, and surely that says something about the writing. Thanks for sharing.

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  10. Raw, honest, heartfelt, and wonderous. Thank you for reminding the adult me, I'm the keeper of all those little selves of mine. Happy Mother's Day! (Hugs)Indigo

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  11. Beautiful writing! Wonderful mother's day tribute. Sounds like you have 3 beautiful kids. :)

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  12. This is so beautiful. What lucky children and what a fortunate mother you are.

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  13. Awwwww....I wanna be one of your daughters! That was lovely!

    Happy Mother's Day!!!

    V.
    ---------------------------------
    Blog Jog tomorrow! Start at my site missvspeaks.blogspot.com or see the master list at http://blogjogday.blogspot.com

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  14. Sweet memories and moments. Happy Mother's Day!

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  15. Oh, that was lovely. I have a crush on my kids too! Happy Mother's Day!

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  16. What a deeply touching description of motherhood. This gift to your girls is also a gift to those of us lucky enough to read it. Happy Mother's Day.

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  17. Mine are still little, yet I already know this sentiment so well. I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day, Suzanne.

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  18. Oh, I love this post. We are lucky to borrow them from the world for a short time, aren't we?

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  19. My beautiful babies are grown and on the path of their own lives, leaving me behind. I miss the togetherness of then folding into me. The excited smiles and words not tumbling out fast enough to tell me all the excitement of their days.

    Once I was the center of their universe and they were my very heart and soul. Now, I am rarely in their universe, and yet they are my heart and soul. If we do our job this is how it should be. Hope your Mothers Day was filled with love.

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  20. Lovely post. Beautiful sentiments.

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