Saturday, December 4, 2010

two cups


Sometimes, when we look at our expectations of our lives, things can seem dismal. Other times-- quite bright.

I never spent much time considering expectations. I got pregnant when I was young and entered the skid of "dowelldon'tbreathegetbypaythebillsgeteducated".

I remember a friend asking me what "I wanted" out of life. I couldn't answer her. I had a life stutter. I couldn't see past being okay. Being settled seemed such an enormous task by itself.

But now I'm settled. And looking around. And guess what? I know what I want. And I'm learning who I am, down to my favorite freaking color. Blue. I never knew that. Seriously.

And you know what? I DID have expectations. I couldn't see them through the fog of panic that was my 20's and early 30's.

My mother always told me that the worst part of being without my father was the morning. She'd take down two coffee cups from the cabinet. She'd take them down and remember he wasn't there. As she put back the extra cup she'd try not to wonder where he was or what he was doing or who he was with.

She'd go back to bed with her coffee and read the paper. The crossword puzzle made her cry. Like the cup, she'd take it out and try to hand it over to an empty pillow. Empty pillows are NOT good at crossword puzzles. But my dad was.

I never realized how much I wanted that. A husband to drink a cup of coffee with. A husband who'd read the paper with me and fight over the crossword. Lazy weekend mornings in bed.

I don't have that. My husband doesn't drink coffee and he certainly doesn't read the newspaper. We don't even have it delivered.

So here I am. With one cup.

People can get left in so many ways.

XO S

8 comments:

  1. What we expect and what happens are polar opposites sometimes.

    This post resonates to my core. How beautiful when we share what's on the inside. That's where are really is. . . beyond what can be seen with the naked eye.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The best thing about getting older is that you do go through the experiences that make you know yourself...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Interesting, striking and sad.

    Nobody gets exactly what they want, or they find out that actually they want things they didn't realise. But are there consolations in the choices you've made? I hope so.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Like MLS, I hope you share other things that bring you pleasure.
    Nobody gets exactly what they want; I have a hubby who would share a coffee, read lots of newspapers, but what I want is someone to share a walk, and that's not his thing. He compromises sometimes, as do I...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sometimes the unexpected gives us a nuance of the expected. I left home at 16, kept myself in school but had to work for a living...and work I did non-stop through two marriages and the birth of a daughter. I didn't know how to stop, to slow down long enough to find what I wanted or expected out of life.

    Years later my deafness stopped me in my tracks. I learned a valuable lesson then - All we ever have is the day in front of us, we take it and purge whatever we can out of it. We live a life and most times find we are right were we should be. (Hugs)Indigo

    ReplyDelete
  6. I too hope that you share other things; coffee and newspapers aren't all that important anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Set a course and prepare for the detours. That's the gift of life, isn't it.

    (An aside: Your wall colors are the exact hue and palette that my extremely creative, jewelry designer, oldest daughter has painted in her house. I think you are kindred spirits. And that's a very good thing.)

    ReplyDelete
  8. ya should recount,,there is more than ONE cup...:) BTW,, i should have asked your permission before I referenced your post about the bread but i often heard begging forgiveness is easier.. The bread was dee-lich-us.. thanks,,

    ReplyDelete