Saturday, December 4, 2010
Sometimes, when we look at our expectations of our lives, things can seem dismal. Other times-- quite bright.
I never spent much time considering expectations. I got pregnant when I was young and entered the skid of "dowelldon'tbreathegetbypaythebillsgeteducated".
I remember a friend asking me what "I wanted" out of life. I couldn't answer her. I had a life stutter. I couldn't see past being okay. Being settled seemed such an enormous task by itself.
But now I'm settled. And looking around. And guess what? I know what I want. And I'm learning who I am, down to my favorite freaking color. Blue. I never knew that. Seriously.
And you know what? I DID have expectations. I couldn't see them through the fog of panic that was my 20's and early 30's.
My mother always told me that the worst part of being without my father was the morning. She'd take down two coffee cups from the cabinet. She'd take them down and remember he wasn't there. As she put back the extra cup she'd try not to wonder where he was or what he was doing or who he was with.
She'd go back to bed with her coffee and read the paper. The crossword puzzle made her cry. Like the cup, she'd take it out and try to hand it over to an empty pillow. Empty pillows are NOT good at crossword puzzles. But my dad was.
I never realized how much I wanted that. A husband to drink a cup of coffee with. A husband who'd read the paper with me and fight over the crossword. Lazy weekend mornings in bed.
I don't have that. My husband doesn't drink coffee and he certainly doesn't read the newspaper. We don't even have it delivered.
So here I am. With one cup.
People can get left in so many ways.