Thursday, November 3, 2011

I'm not ready to let go of you

What used to seem like forever is quickly coming to its natural end.

I've never been the kind of mother who ached for what was. I've always been eager to see you grow, and change, and attack the world with a ferocity that made me laugh when you were small. Only now I look at you in awe as you became a young woman. A determined, proud, beautiful young woman.

The person I've always wanted to be. How amazing you are, my Rose.

But I have to say, this last year, with your leaving imminent... I've been unable to shake the streaming slideshow in my head. The reliving of your childhood.

How your hand fit into mine. How you always wanted me to hold you. I can still see the betrayal in your eyes when I was pregnant with Tess and you were too big to hold. Do you remember? I took you swimming almost every sunny day that summer just so I could hold you, weightless in the water. Your wet hair clinging to my shoulder. Salty kisses. Your never ending chant: Mommy, mommy, mommy.

Each halloween costume, even the one you stole when you were 18 months old-- simply grabbed it from a lower rack and I didn't notice until I put you in the car seat. When did you leave the car seat? There you are in my head, a flip book of years as you grew older and taller than me.

I wasn't scared to be your mother. The moment you were born, I was born. I took you, all swaddled up and ran this marathon of life. And at every turn, I had the comfort of knowing that I was doing things so I could spend more time with you.

Time that slipped away. We've done okay.

Oh, babe. Please remember that even whey you fly, I'm still doing all of it in order to be there for you. And know that all this growing up can be cushioned by the fact that no matter how old you get, or how far you go, I'll always take you swimming.

And I'll hold you, weightless in the water... so close to me. I'll hold you and give you salty, mommy kisses.

XO
mommy

7 comments:

  1. Oh Suzy...this is beautiful. Like you I loved watching my children. It was when I packed them off to university...my heart broke for those days of Mummy, Mummy, Mummy! And each time I they all are gathered around my table flashes of those days flit in front of my eyes and then I blink and there sit my four wonderful adult children. A blink of an eye...It all passes in the blink of an eye.

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  2. @ann: This is such a hard time! I could use some motherly advice about how to let her go gracefully.
    @loretta... Thank you My Garden Witch!

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  3. I love your writing so much, Suzy. This was so beautiful and poignant. As a daughter, I know that my mom will always be first in my heart no matter how old I get! I'm sure your girl would say the same :)

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  4. Oh, so beautiful and poignant. I have another year and a half before my son leaves the nest and I am grasping at every little memory and trying to hold on to every single moment. It's so hard to do. As I write this comment, I have tears streaming down my face. I hate this. But it does help to know that someone else understands the conflicting emotions I'm feeling - the pride and the sorrow and the elation and the heartbreak.

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  5. Absolutely beautiful. Happy Holidays and New Years to you and your family.

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